The Glow Beyond it All
by Aespren
Summary: Jean remembers the day when they reached the ocean. It was humanity's first taste of freedom, but all Jean can remember is the jealousy; jealousy and the warm glow of that smile. Ever since that day Jean has wanted nothing more than to bring that smile back.


Jean remembered the Survey Corps's first Journey of Freedom clearly. Officially, it was named that way because it was the first expedition outside the walls where not a single titan had been encountered. Unofficially, it was named that way for the overwhelming feeling of freedom experienced by the corps when they discovered the ocean.

Jean remembered it as the moment when he learned what true jealousy meant.

He remembered it clearly; the breathtaking view of the water and how it had stretched on seemingly endlessly; how the light had reflected off of it like a mirror; how the smell of it was overpowering enough to cover up the smell of horses and sweat that accompanied them everywhere. Most importantly though; he remembered Armin.

The joy that had lit up in Armin's eyes had been enough to kill him. Never had he seen such innocent, pure happiness expressed by anyone, let alone his partner. At that moment he had wanted nothing more than to jump off his horse, to reach out to Armin and grab him, to drag him down to the beach so that he could do more than just view it from afar. Then he had thought that logic and military be screwed, this was more important, and in that moment he had decided that was exactly what he would do.

That is, if Eren hadn't beaten him to it.

Before Jean knew it, the two childhood friends were running towards the beach together, hands entwined. Mikasa followed shortly after, and soon enough the entire corps was abandoning their horses to experience the wonder before them.

Jean followed soon enough, catching up to the gathering on the beach where soldiers had abandoned their boots and gear and were running through the water, splashing in the waves.

Jean found Armin quickly, standing hand in hand with Eren, splashing in the water in a way that Jean thought must have been natural for humans before the threat of the titans plagued their world. What stood out to him more than anything though, more than the feeling of sand on his feet, or the sound of the waves clashing on the shore, was the smile that glowed upon Armin's face, brighter than the light that shone upon them. It was a smile meant for Eren, and Eren alone, and as the two stood on the beach together Jean felt jealous.

Jean knew this was a moment meant to be with Eren; he had known it would be this way before it even occurred. This moment, this fulfillment of a childhood promise, was one meant to be spent with the one who had made the promise, not him. So Jean came to remember it as the day in which he wasn't allowed to do anything; knowing that as a friend -as more than a friend- he wasn't allowed to say anything, that he had to let Eren win this one.

Knowing this just made him all the more jealous.

It was as if nothing he had ever done had come close to bringing that same emotion to Armin. His smile had left Jean so warm with both happiness and anger at the same time. He wanted Armin to wear that smile everyday, to always have a reason to be happy like that - but he wanted the smile to be because of him, not Eren.

So, from that day, he had made himself a goal; if he could bring even a fragment of that smile that he had seen on that day back to life, then he would be content.

Not long after that day came the surprising news (surprising, not because of the content, but because everyone had expected it to come long ago) that Erwin Smith was finally retiring as leader of the survey corps. The man had continued to lead his troops with only a single arm for years, right until and even past the 'final battle.' Never had his resolve wavered, at least not to the public eye, and he had came to be renowned as a hero by the people who had once called him and his division a waste of resources. While Eren had come to be known as the Hope of Humanity, and Levi was known as Humanity's Greatest Soldier, Erwin was destined to go down in history as the Liberator of Humanity.

The news of retirement was not the only shock that had come though; more shocking than that was the announcement of the reformation of the Survey Corps, a complete change of power. Jean Kirstein had been chosen as the new leader. While his age was one thing to come under scrutiny, it was not all that shocking; after all, most members of the Survey Corps didn't live to become even half the age of Erwin Smith, and Jean had been leading his own squad for over a year now, a true accomplishment within their division. The shock mainly came from the fact that the role was not passed onto Captain Levi or Squad Leader Hange Zoë. However, neither had wanted the position command; Hange's only wish was to remain within the walls to experiment on captured titans in hopes of finding a way to reverse the effects of transformation. Now that there was no immediate danger she wanted to do what she enjoyed most. Levi, on the other hand, had retired along with Erwin, an even more surprising event to those not within the corps. Those within, however, knew that it would happen. After all, Levi had only joined due to the 'persuasion' of Erwin (a highly argued incident), and his main achievement in the war was having the highest kill count. With the severe lack of titans to kill, he now held no motivation or purpose to remain within the military.

Hence, the role had been passed onto Jean, who had been dubbed by the citizens as the 'First Leader of Freedom.' It was a nickname that he strived every day to live up to, and a title that he hoped would remain with him even after his death. The Survey Corps no longer stood as a military force to defeat the titans, but as explorers of the world seeking out new resources and safe places to settle. It was now his job to discover the wonders of the world for the sake of humanity, and hope to discover a feat so amazing that even Armin would come to be astounded.

So when that was what he did, he wasted no time in enacting the scenario he had held in his head for so long.

"A date?" The words came with a tone of amusement, as if the one hearing the words could not take them seriously.

Jean couldn't blame him. After all, dates weren't something that the two had ever experienced, and he suspected that not many in the Survey Corps would be able to claim otherwise. It was difficult to go on a date when you had to worry about the fate of humanity and your own life at every waking moment. Taking the responsibility of having a romantic partner was generally only something the most experienced of soldiers dared to do; either because they had grown confident enough that they would live to see the next day or they had come to accept that their life could end at any moment so they felt no reason to hold themselves back.

Jean liked to think that the two of them had fallen into the first category, but the fear he had felt every time the two of them had separated on a mission told him otherwise.

He didn't even know what words could describe what they had. Their relationship had been built upon the exchange of military strategies and mutual trust and while the two held an unquestionable, deep emotional bond for each other, it would be difficult to classify what was between them as romantic. Neither of them had ever confessed to each other, and for a long time neither of them had spoken of their feelings, instead letting their actions do all the talking. Their relationship had just happened. Regardless, Jean didn't question it, and remained content in the fact knowing that they had actually survived, that they were allowed to become something more, something real that wouldn't fade away at day's end like so many others. At least, that was what he hoped to create.

As strongly as Jean felt about Armin, he knew that the both of them had formed a barrier around themselves. When you risk losing people you know every day (and sometimes the risk became all too real), you came to form a shield around yourself that stopped you from getting too attached. He knew that Armin had one too. After all, he was the tactician; it was his job to make strategies knowing full well that a large amount of the soldiers weren't coming back. Sometimes it had been his job to decide who.

This was his opportunity to show him that the barrier was no longer needed. They were allowed to become something more, allowed to cross the line that their relationship had bordered on for so long.

"Yes, a date. You and me, together, outside the walls." Jean spoke, knowing that his words had come out as jumbled as his mind, a friendly reminder of just how inexperienced he was when it came to romance. Leader of the Survey Corps, and he still managed to make a fool of himself in front of the guy he had been 'together' with for years.

"Outside the walls?"

"Yes. I've already scheduled a leave of absence for the both of us." Jean spoke, "We leave tomorrow morning."

Armin nodded.

"So it's a yes, then?" Jean clarified, more for his own sake than for Armin's. He wanted to hear the words.

"Yeah, it's a date." Armin smiled slightly, and Jean hoped with every fabric of his being that he would be able to make this smile bigger by the time this was over.

Jean set the comb back down on his dresser, content that his hair looked as best as it could. Not that it would matter after riding around on horses. He really had no idea how to prepare for a date. The way he had imagined it in his head had always been extremely different. He would be wearing a nice outfit, clean shirt, and would meet the girl of his dreams at her doorstep with a bouquet of flowers in hand. He had always worried that he wouldn't be able to choose the right type of flowers. What if he got a kind she didn't like? To say that the circumstances were different than imagined would be an understatement.

Now his biggest decision was if was supposed to wear his uniform or not. If he was going outside the walls then it only made sense to bring his 3DMG, but was it really fitting for a date? Jean scoffed at himself as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Bringing his 3DMG on a date... surely he was the first person to ever have to ask themselves that question.

In the end, as he stood in front of Armin's door, wearing his 3DMG was exactly what he chose to do. There really wasn't any other option. After all, there still rested a minute sense of danger for all those that ventured outside the walls. Even if the area they were heading to had been scouted out already and a trail had been formed, there was still a chance of an unnoticed titan wandering into the area. Besides, he was the commander of all people. The troops would probably think it was weird enough for him to take time off just to show up at their newest campsite anyway - even taking time off was considered weird. If he showed up dressed in a suit followed by his rumoured-to-be boyfriend then soldiers would start giving him the same stares they reserved for Hange.

Jean reached forward, knocking on the door to Armin's private quarters.

When said person opened their doors, Jean was relieved to see that he was also dressed in military attire. He hadn't really expected anything less of him. The two of them were well known for being workaholics, after all, and they both knew that in their positions of power they had a reputation to uphold. They were merely continuing the roles of those prior.

As they walked down the hall, it seemed to Jean that perhaps Armin had gotten slightly dressed up for today. To put it bluntly... he was cleaner. His hair, which had been pulled back into a half ponytail (a trademark of his ever since he was promoted), was free of loose strands or any sign of dirt, atypical for a member of their division. Prior to the defeat of the titans, the Survey Corps had already been seen as a waste of resources. That meant that anything that could be spared often was, which included access to water for purposes other than hydration or cooking. Even now though, that luxuries like that could be spared, it was hard to break habits, especially for members of the Survey Corps who could care less about dirt or grease. Once you had been splattered with the blood of titans (or worse, your comrades) you came to think diffierently about hygiene. After incidents like that, there were generally only two outcomes; you became a clean freak like the previous second in command, Levi, or you stopped caring altogether like Hange. Eren had followed along the footsteps of his captain and had become a clean freak himself. Armin, however, had quickly fallen into Hange's footsteps almost as soon as he had graduated from Levi's Special Operations Squad. Jean liked to consider himself a nice in-between, alike to Erwin, who had always managed to be presentable. It was part of his job, really; he spent more time dealing with humans than titans.

Either way, it was nice to know that Armin cared.

Reaching down, Jean grabbed onto the other male's hand, not wasting any time before lacing his fingers into his own.

"Jean?" The blond asked, and Jean saw a mild expression of surprise on the his face. It wasn't as if the two had never done this before, but it had never been in public. Their relationship had always just been something between the two of them.

"Well, it is a date, isn't it?"

Armin's face remained blank for a moment longer, before a small smile curled itself at his lips. "Yeah, it is."

At least it appeared this concept was as foreign to Armin as it was to him.

As the two approached closer to their destination, the sight of uniformed soldiers could be spotted.

"I didn't realize your idea of a date was working without pay." Armin remarked. Jean smirked, not sure if Armin was being sarcastic or if he actually believed that was the case. He wouldn't put it past him. Either way, Jean decided not to explain, knowing that soon enough it would fall into place.

"Jean... where are we?" He heard the voice whisper in quiet awe. He turned to see the other's eyes widen as he took in the sight that soon surrounded them.

What Jean and a few of the squads had discovered on his previous mission was a wonder, a sight that humanity would truly be surprised about; the remains of a civilization. Wooden and brick buildings ran in a rows parallel to each other. The area in between, which had likely been a road at some point, was now littered with grass and floral growth that extended up to the knees of any soldier walking through it.

At certain points there would be gaps in the buildings and small pieces of architecture would stand in the middle. Stone statues that looked like they were once fountains were common, but other times there stood sculptures that could only be described as art. For what purpose they stood, no one was sure. It was theorized that perhaps before the walls were built the people were so rich with resources that they were able to waste marble and other materials just to build art for the sake of aesthetics. Within the walls, the only times such a luxury was possible were to members of the Wallist religion or of the noble elite within Wall Sina.

This town was a sight to behold.

Around them, soldiers from the first two squads wandered about, entering into the buildings and coming out carrying the contents inside, which they loaded onto the wagons that had been brought to this area. The plan was to bring as much as they could back to the walls to be studied, and perhaps there would be a way to figure out just what had happened to the people that had lived there; if perhaps this had once been a place they had descended from.

Armin stopped his horse, and Jean could tell that he was going to jump off. "Wait, Armin. Not yet."

"Huh?"

"There's something more important that you have to see first."

Jean could tell from the look in his eyes that Armin was still in shock, and the idea that something more important than this was probably an incapable thought. Jean smiled, relishing in knowing that he had stopped the other male's mind, even if only momentarily.

Finally, the two arrived at a building that stood out from the rest. It was much larger, spouting a full two stories unlike all the surrounding buildings. It was easy to see that this building was of great importance to those that had lived here, for it was also adorned with art in the form of columns that held up a balcony overseeing the town.

Unlike all the other buildings in the area, not a single soldier was in the surrounding area. When they had first discovered this building, Jean had specifically forbade them from ransacking the place. This place was different, and Jean wanted to make sure that if anyone was going to go through it, it would be Armin.

Jean got off his horse, leading and tying it to one of the trees that littered the area. Armin followed behind him, tying it onto the same tree.

Together the two of them walked up the huge steps of the building, and Jean could already see how excited Armin was just from his inability to keep his eyes focused on any one place.

Jean took the opportunity to latch onto the soldier's hand once more, and for a moment Armin's eyes had something to focus on. Jean could see a faint tinge of pink on his face, and from the way Armin smiled at him while looking at his face he suspected that his cheeks were probably the same.

Jean pushed the door open and pulled Armin in behind him. A faint outline of tall structures could be seen inside before the door shut close, blocking out their main source of light, leaving them with only a small lantern that barely showed a metre in front of them. The only windows in the place were blocked by the foliage of the trees outside, and they were few and far between. Jean was thankful for this though, as unlike all the other buildings they had investigated, this one had remained almost untouched by the conditions outside, a blessing for the contents that lay within.

"Jean, what is this place...?"

Jean reached forward until he found what he was looking for, the large lantern that rested in the middle of the room. Armin still dragged behind him, grasping onto his hand tighter than he had outside.

Reaching into his pocket, Jean pulled out a piece of wood that was meant for transferring flames from one light source to another. The flame danced upon the tip of it as he reached forward, igniting the lantern. Around them, the light spread, leaving the entire room radiating in a warm glow. The edges of shelves became apparent and the writing of letters across the spines of books moved with the flames. Jean had already glanced over all of them; it was a history of everything the people had known about their world. Within the walls, never could so many resources be found in one place, for even now there were still those that hid the information from them.

The fire wasn't the only thing that danced though, Jean thought, as he stared at Armin's eyes and soon he found his own body moving as Armin dragged him along the hall. Jean's lips curved as he stared at the smile of the boy (for no other word could describe him at that moment).

The fire wasn't the only thing in the room glowing.

* * *

Thanks for reading to the end. I'll admit, this was a bit out of my comfort zone. Usually I write drama and angst, so it was nice practice to try writing something happier. If you enjoyed, don't feel shy to leave me a message. I can be found on tumblr under the same name.


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